I wonder what happened to my ambitions and dreams. They seem frivolous now. Distant faraway things. Galaxies I cannot fathom. Just a year ago I was okay. Planning on getting my own place. Investing my money is some adult-approved financial scheme. I was slowly and surely getting there.
Right now, I cannot even plan for next year. Why should I? I can't predict life. I might fall ill anytime. Might get into freak accidents. Might die soon.
Tomorrow is never promised. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.
How does one move on and live knowing everything will just end? We are decaying and dying a little every day.
How can we shut down that part of our brain? How can people plan 5–10 years ahead? Isn’t that pure hubris? I want to be a rebel and say fuck you to fate but I cannot do it right now.
I don’t want to live in fear. I hate being unable to dream and fight for something. A switch has flipped inside my brain.
I am not being dramatic. I am not suicidal. But sometimes, I really wish I had not been born.
What’s the point of all this? If you can answer that without invoking a god, please let me know.